Paradox

So here we are.

After hundreds of Facebook memes indicting that today was the day Marty McFly arrived in the future (it wasn’t), at long last have we come to this day: Wednesday, October 21st, 2015.

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I have to say, it is bittersweet. No longer will we have the future to look forward to as accordance with Doc Brown’s adventures (not counting the BTTF Saturday morning animated series which so many have forgotten about).

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As a kid, I watched the movies almost every weekend taking inspiration cues from Bob Zemeckis’s time-travel trilogy. I have vivid memories of the days when the NBC Sunday Night movie would premiere the first movie in ’86 and recording it on VHS. I remember trying desperately to explain the plot to BTTF2 to my mother, minutes before part three premiered, and watching her face crumple… and realizing that it was literally easier to explain the theory of quantum physics than explaining the plot to Back to the Future 2 to someone who had never seen it.

Being a resident of the San Fernando Valley – which is where much of Hill Valley was filmed – I take a small honor in having moved here eleven years ago to the very place which inspired me to become a filmmaker and writer of fantasy fiction. If it weren’t for that movie, Flash would never travel through time, no dinosaur story for Episode 2, and a boy by the name of Caleb Clayton Brown would never exist – as he is in my subtle nod the great, great, great, great (add about eight more greats in there) grandson to a wild-eyed white-haired inventor.

So it is on this very day where I feel it necessary to defend certain claims on what Back to the Future got wrong, and why they do not exist.

(WARNING: For all non-geeks reading this, move on. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.)

Let’s start off with hoverboads.

Photo Oct 21, 2 12 52 PM1. In the last few years, we’ve seen spoofs advertising hoverboards even similar to those made by the Mattel company you see in the BTTF2. However, the only hoverboards that exist today are the two-wheeled mini-segues teenagers use in place of skateboards. But what if the real hoverboards that worked by anti-gravitational magnets as in the movie, did at one point exist? Perhaps in that particular timeline, Doc Brown, being an inventor AND foreseer of the future could predict where our future was headed. PERHAPS dear reader, he and the late great Steve Jobs were competitors… and the moment certain other technologies were invented (iPhones, Droids, etc) and that this generation bent on selfies, texting and Facebook became so self-obsessed, that the dangers of texting while driving would later prove that Generation Y just was not ready for a hover technology that would in time add on jet propulsion (i.e. Griff’s Pitbull) and Doctor Brown would later place himself on a board of directors where his vote stood out on the dangers of hover technology. THEREFORE… no hoverboards, and for damn sure no, flying cars. So if you want to thank anyone for flying cars not crash-landing in your living rooms while you watch your multi-screen TV, you can thank Doctor Emmett Brown.

2. Nike’s Power Laces.

We also saw the advent of the powerlace shoes Marty slipped on before taking on Biff’s grandson, Griff (the Tannen family clearly was not very creative with naming their offspring). Now let’s look at our generation for a moment or two. Around the late seventies/early eighties, we were introduced to Velcro shoes. Kids who had a difficult time tying their own shoes had the luxury of Velcro. Snatch on, snatch off. That took a turn after a while when kids who didn’t know how to tie their own shoes also got helicopter parents. Helicopter parents began doing the homework for their children, turning them in, getting amazing grades, even into high school. Suddenly college comes along. Kids, now adults, have no idea how to do anything, among these many skills are pulling out into the left turn lane enough to let the motorist behind them turn as well. Going into a fast food restaurant and ordering a meal should take thirty seconds and not ten minutes because they’re too busy talking on their cell phone. Bringing a carry on bag onto the plane that can actually fit inside of the overhead compartment and not hold up a line because they decided to bring along a bag the size of a King sized mattress. Again, thank you Doc Brown for telling the good people of Nike to hold off on that idea and only give these to the one man who deserved them – Michael J Fox.

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3. Telephone-Televisions.

Photo Oct 21, 2 12 44 PMWe’ve got that, we just miniaturized it and called it Skype and Facetime. We rarely use them however due to not wanting to be seen in our skimpies and sweats since the first thing we do when we walk through the door after a long days work is strip down to our undies and grab a glass of wine.

4. Fired by Fax. Well coulda woulda, if we hadn’t cut so many trees down. Now we just fire by text and email.

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5. Computers inside our Glasses. Remember Google Glass? Remember wanting to punch the first person you saw wearing those? No wonder Marty’s dorky son was the only one you saw wearing those in the movie.

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6. Hypercolor jackets. Oy vey, the year was 1991. A confusing time when Clarissa explained it all and Vanilla Ice scarred our little ears with a song called, “Ninja Rap.” Six years after Doc Brown pulled off with his steam powered time travel train to soar into a future that hadn’t been written yet, a twenty-three year old Marty McFly invested in the Generra Sportswear Company and luckily managed to pull out shortly before the company went bankrupt after discovering the mismanagement crisis and fading errors. With this realization, the time loop was thrown and we now can only find hypercolor clothing on eBay, Amazon and Dyemurex.

7. 3-D movies. Thanks, James Cameron! I still think Star Wars 7 might pull past Avatar (AKA 3D Ferngully – JK! … not really )

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8. JAWS 19. It’s out, they just renamed it Jurassic World.

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9. Rejuvenation Clinics. Drop into Beverly Hills sometime off Rodeo Drive. Little known fact – Kim Kardashian, she’s actually 93 years old. IKR?

10. Cubs Win World Series… have you been watching ESPN lately?

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As far as the fashion, well I’m wearing my pockets inside out. I don’t know what these other fools are doing. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a Back to the Future Marathon to attend. But I will leave you with these parting words from Doc Brown himself, Mr. Christopher Lloyd.

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